Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
