there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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