I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
