How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
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he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
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if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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