nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
