just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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