She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
His hands were made for my vagina.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
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She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
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Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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