Duck Duck Cougar?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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