I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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