went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
