I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
