watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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