I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
