just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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