her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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