I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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