I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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