clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
