i just sent this text using only my big toe
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
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Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
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Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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