she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
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His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
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the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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