i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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