I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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