I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
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He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
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BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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