look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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