I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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