i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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