someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
