apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
