I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
