Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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