oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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