Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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