don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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