she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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