It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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