Too much gin, very little bucket
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
