Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
