apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
