someone owes me an orgasm
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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