I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
