There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
not ubering you a puppy
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
