shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
