I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
