Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
