Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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