Nicole vs. Life
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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