My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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