Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
