those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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