I just threw up on my dentist
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
