I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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