His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
