I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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