he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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