remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
