My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
