i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
