I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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