She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
