I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
