Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
